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Five Levels of Hangovers


One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.

For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.

Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.


Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

*****



THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

*****


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate

*****


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
5) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

------------------------------------------

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, we really screwed up '.
Post By (v)orpheus
Mar 19, 2007, 7:49am
 


     
A little wisdom from our friends in our armed forces
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

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"If the enemy is in range! , so are you." - Infantry Journal

-----------------------------------------------------


"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur

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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

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"You, you, and you . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

- -----------------------------------------------------


"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don' t ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

---------------------------------------------------


"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

- --------------------------------------------------------


"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .. The pilot dies."

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"Never trade luck for skill."

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"

------------------------------------------------------


"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

-------------------------------------------------------


"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

-------------------------------------------------------


"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

-------------------------------------------------------


"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

---------------------------------------------------------


"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

-------------------------------------------------------


"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

--------------------------------------------------------


"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)


"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

---------------------------------------------------------


"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

---------------------------------------------------------


"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

--------------------------------------------------------------


As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".


The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


Look both ways before crossing the sky.
Post By (v)orpheus
Feb 22, 2007, 3:30pm
 


     
Who/What do you hate?
Heres a good topic heopfully to liven these forums up.. What the hell do you hate?

One thing I hate that I heard on the radio today, is people that pronounce Mario, in Super Mario Brothers, like Mary-o...

ITS MAR-IO.. NOT MARY-O

Anyone else ever hear that ebfore, I remember as a kid I had at least one kid i met that pronounced it Marryo.

________________________________________________

On a completely unrelated subject to hatred, why do we pronounce cleanliness like Clenliness.. I think thats wierd because the word CLEAN doesn't change.. CLEENliness doesnt sound right but maybe its because we have always siad it that way. Who determined that it would change pronunciation, CLEANLY also changes to CLENly if used as an adjective. So i guess that is why, but...

To add on to my puzzlement, I really wonder who started to make the dictionary/english language... Im sure its smoewhat documented seomwhere, just something i have never learned about.. Did some cavemen get together and start coming up with a language that just kept adding on the smarter humans got.. So whoever wrote the english(latin really becuase most eng. words are based on latin) language, did they have to take a picture of lets say a book.. and you just have a room of 100 guys lets say, and they all just make sounds with their mouth until somesays yes, booook, booook, how about book everyone? book book book, and they all chant like imbeciles.. then the head guy writes down book next to a picture of a book. And they did this for every word imaginable... Picture of the woman body... BOOOB, BOOOBBYY, ok Boob, also known as Booby goes next to picture of boobs.. VAGGY.. VAGGINA, How about Vagina everyone?

Like seriously, how did they come up with each language. Well latin i guess, since that is the basis for most of them.. who were the all mighty latin people that decided these words.
Post By CheckMate
Feb 2, 2007, 12:45pm
 


     
Mouse Trap
Well, I found it hilarious!

Post By (v)orpheus
Feb 1, 2007, 10:24am
 


     
Tis the Season
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost
Post By (v)orpheus
Dec 12, 2006, 2:14pm
 


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